It’s been six years

still, every once in awhile

i hear you smile from a far distance

and i remember what we had

i return to the pages of my diary

to rekindle what has already been long gone

just because…

six years. today

i saw you walk across the room

cocked an eyebrow while i rolled my eyes

i tried to ignore but you were right behind

but we could never be…and i’ll always remember. always

i should have known

coz he’s not the kind who said i want you with marriage in mind. he was always more of the we’ll take it step by step. so i should not be shocked.  he should have all his options open and feel he can do anything with his life even if im not in the picture. because when you look at it from a bigger perspective, he is just another young man bloated up with ambitions,more than love. love usually takes priority later on in life for men so i shouldn’t fret. we should either compromise for us or leave for us. both are equally good options.

i should quit being surprised.

Protected: nice. reality walked in :/

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Swimming with Anna & Kiti

Fun-tastic time! Full of laughter, lousy climbing in and out of the pool, going a few laps while kiti completes her 10, trying out jumping shots yang tak jadi while kiti dives in smoothly, sit and laugh furiously on the ground, take pictures in the dark, sit in the bowl as long as the guard ignores, enjoy being looked at heh, dinner at Ming Tien and home again.

Fun-Tastic. I forgot all about ‘it’

Marriage can be fireproofed

Father: Has she thanked you for anything you’ve done the last 20 days?
Son: No! And you’d think after I washed the car, I’ve changed the oil, do the dishes, cleaned the house, that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude. But she doesn’t! In fact, when I come home, she makes me like I’m – like I’m an enemy! I’m not even welcome in my own home, Dad. That is what really ticks me off! Dad, for the last three weeks, I have bent over backwards for her. I have tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her, to show value for her, and she spat in my face! She does not deserve this, Dad. I’m not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody over and over and over who constantly rejects me?
Father: [touches, then leans against cross] That’s a good question.

Him: Marriage isn’t fireproof.
Best Friend: Fireproof doesn’t mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.

website

I want the books! Especially the love dare. If you want the movie and soundtrack, holla me!

i want to find what they have

friends who will be there even when you don’t call coz they know you need it. friends who dont keep secrets or at least don’t tell you they have a secret they cant share (im surrounded by these friends that i have learnt to stop sharing as well, even if they asked). friends to eat ice-cream with on a bad day, who make a point to meet at least once in awhile to share updates. friends who will be there for all the good and bad occasions.girlfriends to be twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy and eighty with.

i know friendship like those exist but its not easy to find.

but i like watching them have what i don’t have.

week 4

Psychology of Film

No class! Public Holiday! wheee ~

Cognitive Psych

No class! Ok, had class but i didn’t go and it was a good thing because its a sorta no class

Counselling Psych

Tomorrow! Still doing the ‘Know Yourself’ assignment. Why what i think about Sexual Freedom needs to be graded? she should give us a 15% on this assignment because its about us, and us can’t get less than 15%!! this is just nonsense purely because its graded! And i have’t prepared my 2minute speech about myself. yes, this is also graded. this does not make sense. and i dont feel like going in-depth with a class of strangers. sigh.

Thesis 1

The write-up part is done with. my co-marker is Charis Wong. who is she? anyway, she sounds less scary than MSW so yay

dear mom,

we have always been friends before mom/daughter though at times that relationship sticked out and complicated things. but we have love, and so everything always went back to okay. you have survived a horrible life and you’re finally seeing happiness. i’ve been overwhelmed, selfish and the daughter part of me stuck out. of course i didn’t complicate things but i think i got tangled internally. its still a little weird and its not the way i would expect life to be but i will always be there for you. and its time for you to choose happiness. im so happy for you. in my eyes, you will always be my best friend first, coz countless time during my teen years you chose to be my best friend instead of a strict mother which must have cost you plenty of patience and prayer. you will always be the best mom in the world, the prettiest too, and the most selfless one.

so in my eyes, i want to see you happy. so very happy. finally.

playing in a band

last night i dream i was singing and touring with a band. and there was something about this certain cute rockstar guy too (gosh, i sound 16 and cheating). wish the dream was real, oh well, one day maybe. i think the dream has got to do with the current obsession,um, passion for singing and learning up new songs ” (acoustic guitar) everyday. im not even stuck on tv series anymore. im planing to make my own cover like the ones they do on youtube for fun (it is kinda cool tho!) and i finally got some music started on my own song. composing is not easy! im shy so the only person who’ll probably hear me sing (for a lifetime) is jSh who fortunately likes what he hears or at least thats what he says.

i was never confident enough to make music a part of my career but who knows, maybe one day. THE DREAM IS GETTING TO MY BRAINS!

tralalala

Today was a public holiday

I finally did my grocery shopping. can’t wait to start cooking my own food. i have been having a bad eating habit lately because outside food sucks and outside food is expensive so i haven’t been eating constantly which developed gastric which affected my breathing last night. for almost an hour at 2am.  finally jSh who woke up and came over figured that i probably needed something to eat and he was right. after that i could breathe easily.

anyway, tomorrow is going to be healthier than lazy monday. im going to go for class and pass up my thesis! going to come back and cook lunch and dinner. in the evening i plan to go for a jog in preparation for vday and to keep fit myself.

i need to snap out of the issues that have been happening. so, im going to stop talking about it, after this post. and i do not wanna talk about it to anyone coz i figured no one really understands or say the right things that leaves me crazy frustrated because im suppose to understand!understand!understand! so im not going to for awhile until im no more confuse with the emotions and the role im suppose to be playing. so, gonna stop talking about it. when you fake it long enough, you can make it.

the only thing i don’t wanna be doing tomorrow is socialize with people, because its hard work but i’m gonna force myself to do it. part of the faking it and making it. heh.

ta!